The Porpoise Diving Life

Hello All,

I have been fortunate enough to have one of my blogs ("Do I Look Christian?") posted in a fantastic e-zine called "The Porpise Diving Life", which describes itself as "Reality for the Rest of Us, picking up where "The Purpose Driven Life" peters out.

The author of this site is Bill Dahl, who has written a book, oddly titled "The Porpoise Diving Life", who unabashedly confesses "I didn’t choose to write this book. I confess that the book is an act of obedience solely from the standpoint of getting God off my back." Sometimes that is what it takes for us to listen. A Louisville Slugger upside the head!

Thank you Bill, for your wonderful work and thank you for connecting me to a sea of smiling faces who are wrestling with big questions.  Please take a moment and check out Bill's wonderful work!

Do I look Christian?

I was recently told by an acquaintance that I was one of the coolest Christians he ever met. The phrase he said that caught my ear most was that I don’t act like a Christian. I was flattered and bemused all at the same time. I mean, what exactly does a Christian look like? With this being election time, the media is overflowing with Republican candidates vying for the presidential nomination. And everyday the media has a field day pointing out the “less than Christian” behavior displayed by each and every candidate. I could list examples but I’ll let you do your own research on that one. It won’t take too much effort.

Another friend makes it abundantly clear that the bible is a work of fiction. She has a huge disdain for Christians for their judgmental behavior, their hypocritical actions and the scandalous nature of the church. She can produce, in my opinion, very valid arguments as to why being a Christian is akin to being a lying, cheating politician. Which, again, as we have seen in the news recently, is not too much a stretch to believe. The recent debates showed grown adults professing to be exemplary models of righteousness while using all their effort to trash their opponents. Classic schoolyard mentality.

So what does a Christian look like? If it looks like a presidential candidate, then I am grateful to not look like one. And I could care less if you’re Mormon, Baptist, Catholic, or Hindu, Muslim or Buddhist.  If that is the best behavior that your faith can provide, I respectfully decline an invitation to your dinner table.

I’ll be honest, I have certain images that come to mind when I think of the term “Christian” based on what I have been exposed to. I mean, I am a Christian. Many friends of mine are Christian and they do not resemble any of the aforementioned behavior. And overall this is the majority of whom I know as Christians. Just a group of good people that try to do the best that they can to live each day as best as possible.

But even I conjure up images of Bible thumpers and end-of-world doomsayers who protest abortion clinics, gays and anything that does not look exactly like themselves. And please spare me from telling me what the bible says about anything I wrote. Number one, I know what the bible says. I actually read it. Number two, I’ve seen too may people, both Christian and non-Christian use the bible as a means to their own ends.  This book has been debated for over 2000 years. I’d like to assume that if there was a clear answer, we would all have agreed to it by now. If you have all the answers, run for office. On second thought......

I am Christian. But I also like loud, in your face, rock-n-roll. I like things that explode. I cuss. I laugh at fart jokes. I am convinced that Jesus has a great sense of humor. I’ll bet He even asked Peter to pull his finger! Look at when He had Peter walk jump out the boat! Test of faith or practical joke? Ok, kidding a bit on that last one. I speed like a maniac when I drive, which is why you will never see a fish on the back of my car. I drink. I enjoy a good buzz once in awhile. I did quit smoking several years ago. I’m human. Fallible. Perfectly imperfect.

So I ask my friends and even my enemies. Do I look like a Christian? Or maybe I should ask you what do you think a Christian should look like? And on behalf of us who cringe every time a politician places one hand on a bible and the other jerking you off, well, you’re not alone. That’s the black sheep of the family we’re too embarrassed to acknowledge. Kinda like Randy Quaid in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. But why do we keep voting them into office? And if they are the epitome of what a Christian looks like, I'm putting myself up for adoption!

Jesus and the pot roast

I thought about titling this blog “How to Win Friends and Influence People” but I guess there are some potential copyright issues there. So instead, I’ll title it “How to Spark Controversy and Inflame both sides of the Political Coin in a Single Blog!”  or “How to Make Yourself an Outcast while living in the Bible Belt.” This promises to be one of those train wreck conversations akin to speaking about politics or religion in a bar. Or as evil and sinister as those Best-buy commercials where those “docile” housewives torment and torture Santa Claus. That’s as heartless as dropping slugs into the Salvation Army bucket. I mean, how sadistic can you get? But seeing that the Mayan Calendar says that the world will be coming to an end next year, let me throw caution to the wind!

I recently came across a conversation repeated on Facebook that pondered the following statement:

"Speaking only about CHRISTMAS - what is the reasoning behind the atheists and agnostics who celebrate this particular holiday? Why would you celebrate the birthday of someone who doesn't exist to you? If you don't believe in CHRIST - then take down your tree, lights and other symbols of Christmas and practice what you preach! And don't say Christmas is about Santa, it was NEVER about Santa, it was about having FAITH in something you can't see - GOD!"

Now again, I emphasize that I am reprinting this post. Worse yet, I am doing so without permission of the person that wrote it. But who wrote it is a moot point. What I am most interested in, and I hope you will agree, is that there is a huge difference between faith and “blind” faith. What do you believe and why do you believe it?

Here is a story that helps illustrate what I am trying to explain. I delight you in the infamous “Pot Roast” story:

A newly married couple was beginning their first Sunday meal preparation. The young woman began preparing a wonderful roast of beef while the man was preparing the vegetables. As they worked, the man noticed that the wife sliced off both ends of the roast and then rolled it in spiced flour. Curious, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Do what?” “Slice the ends off the roast,” he responded, “Does that make it juicier or something?”
“Well, I don’t really know. Mom always does that when she cooks a roast.” So they called her mother and were amused to hear that she also didn’t know why the ends should be cut off the roast. It turns out it was because “your Grandmother always did that and so I do too.” Of course they called Grandmother and heard a hearty laugh when they asked her “why do we always cut the ends off the roast of beef before cooking it?” After Grandmother got control of her laughter, she exclaimed, “I can’t believe you guys are doing that! The only reason I did that was to get the roast to fit in the pan!”

So what does a pot roast have to do with Christmas? Nothing unless it’s on the table for dinner! It does illustrate what I have experienced in myself and others, of how we do things, not out of original thought, but repetitive action.  But what first got my attention was an assumption that “Christmas” trees and lights are somehow biblically based. Now considering that Jesus was Jewish, I was assume there would be a dreidel and a menorah, but I digress. This is a small example of what I have experienced during my tenure as a Christian as to misperceptions of faith. Why do we celebrate Christmas? Is the birthday of Jesus actually on December 25^th? What does any of this have to do with lights and trees and five golden rings?

I am sad to say that I have seen many Christians following a tradition as opposed to a genuine faith of heart. I have seen many devoted Sunday attendees going to the same church that their parents and grandparents went to – only for that reason. That’s where their family always went. So what are we celebrating and why do we celebrate it?

As I continued to read responses to this post, I was saddened to see that many Christians vigorously defend this to be the celebration of the birth of Christ without being aware that the tree we decorate has it’s historical roots (some pun intended) based in a pagan ritual.  Or to remember that Jesus himself is Jewish and is also a historical figure in both Jewish and Muslim teachings. Again, defend what you believe but also know what you believe in! Don’t fall victim to ignorance, regardless of your spiritual beliefs.

Slavery in America was biblically based. The crusades were biblically based. The Klu Klux Klan is biblically based. Hitler was acting out on his religious beliefs, founded in a Christian faith. Yet Gandhi was not a Christian but believed in Jesus and His message of love. His holiness, the Dalai Lama, acknowledges the significance of the teachings of Jesus. The Qur’an speaks of Jesus being a prophet sent by God.

And I found also in the course of this conversation that many who professed to be atheists or non-Christian knew more about Christ than some Christians themselves. I honestly felt I could have a more enriching conversation with the "outsiders" than with some of my fellow followers of Christ, based on the well stated historical lessons on the history of Christmas they offered.

Now wisdom and ignorance takes on all shapes and sizes. And I certainly do not claim that non-Christians know more about God than Christians. But I do cringe anytime a Christian offers up words of confrontation towards anyone with an opposing point of view. And I fully understand why so many non-Christians are put off by the pious behavior exhibited by some Christians. I’ve heard it said that Christians do more to damage their own reputation than any outside force ever will. Look at how many denominations there are here in America, who vigorously argue who is right in their view of scripture? Or what of Catholics and Protestants in Ireland killing each other over belief?

Christians need not fear other beliefs because we’re too busy not knowing what to believe about ourselves! We still haven’t learned how to simply love each other. And if Christians cannot love other Christians, how the hell do you expect to shine a light to someone who doubts the sincerity of what a Christian believes? Or even accurately knows? Again, defend your belief but KNOW what and why you believe.

So as I pull the pin on this theological hand grenade, awaiting the explosion of responses let me close by professing my own ignorance. I look back on a time where I was right simply because I was a Christian. Period. I got more caught up in the politics than the love. So I do not claim to have knowledge cornered by any means. I have two ears and one mouth. I try to listen twice and speak once. And I am amazed when I actually learn something positive from a view other than my own. I am a student, always learning. As I believe we all are. But I think that regardless of whatever our faith may be, we can all benefit more loving, listening and learning.

Anyhow, I wish you a non-judgmental, politically correct, inoffensive wishes of good tidings during this final month of 2011.

A Lonely Christmas

While Christmas can be a festive time of year where friends and family gather to celebrate good tidings, for some, it can be a very depressing and lonely season. Instead of festive garland, some are hanging a black wreath on their door. And while no time is a good time to morn the loss of a loved one, to be assaulted by Christmas carols while grieving can tear a soul apart.

I have a few intimate friends that are mourning the loss of family. Two are each missing a father, one a husband. To say that I understand what they are going through would be a lie, as I have not lost anyone intimately in quite a while. I cannot feel their pain. And even if I did, no words I could offer would ever ease the emptiness of being able to turn to the deceased, call out their name, expecting an answer. Now the only answer they hear is a deafening silence echoing inside a lonely heart.

I am also aware of friends with loved ones in hospice, some of which are desperately hoping to see one last smile on Christmas day. A heartfelt prayer for one more breath, one more day, one more holiday together. Or others are walking on faith that those serving overseas, defending our country, will return home soon with open arms and not in a flag draped casket.

It can be torturous to hear “Joy to the World” when your own world has skipped a beat. When Merry Christmas just isn’t quite so merry.

As a friend, I want nothing more than to take away the pain. But I also realize that this can be a selfish request. Doing so would almost negate the importance of those passed. No, the pain helps remind us of the love they give to us. Love that should never be taken lightly. Love that has shaped us and brought out the very best in who we are.

I am a person of faith. I can speak truthfully of God’s love for us all. I can speak with certainty that those that have gone home before us are indeed festive and pain free. And I like to believe, that if given a chance, they would each reach out to us to say how beautiful everything is. They would tell us not to cry and that everything is all right.

But when you’re alone, you’re alone. A heartbreak, ANY heartbreak, is a soul suffering thing. You can have friends and family to help you through, to be sure. But no one knows your own heart like you do. And no one will have those memories that only you alone have. Which can make it even harder to have anybody understand what you feel. Again, no time is a good time for heartache. But the cold winter air and shortened days lacking sunlight add a smothering blanket to an already grey time.

I write of this for my friends in need, trying to say in my own obtuse way that I think of you constantly and will do whatever I can to be the best friend possible to you. Even if that means giving you the space you need to just work through it all. I write this for those of us who are blessed with abundance to be aware of those in need of a friend and suffering any loss. This can be a loved one, a marriage, a job or even a pet. We may not be able to make someone joyful with the fact that Santa Claus is coming to town, but we can always show our love to them and be there whenever they need us. After all, this holiday was based on the ultimate gift of love given to all of us. Seems a simple enough example to follow.

Of course, we should have the right to inflict severe pain to anyone playing Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time”. Justifiable Homicide, I say!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Jonah Mowry

I’m one of many who recently came across the video from a young man named Jonah Mowry who spoke out about the sadness in his life. Well, not “spoke” so much as shared his thoughts via queue-cards like Bob Dylan in "Subterranean Homesick Blues" or INXS in "Mediate". Regardless of the format, the message came across loud and clear. And as in most cases, the questions and blaming will probably take precedence over what the very simple bottom line is. Do you know what it is?

Well, let’s cover the unanswerable questions first:

·       Is he Gay?

·       How could he know of suicide or cutting in second grade?

·       Where were his parents?

·       Where were his teachers?

·       Where were the authorities?

·       Where was the church?

·       Why didn’t anyone stop the bullies?

·       Where was God?

Now how about the ONE question that everyone can answer. Where was the unconditional love? The unconditional love that Jesus spoke about in “The Greatest Commandment” in Matthew 22:34-40. That love exists in each and every single one of us. But we have a tendency to fail in offering this love because we ask one of those questions listed above instead of just simply offering love. The love of Jesus. And this love of Jesus has no boundaries. It is not confined to a religion (thank God!). The love of Jesus is intended to be offered, nay, freely given to everyone around us. You can be a Christian and give the love of Jesus. You can be Muslim and offer the love of Jesus. You can be Atheist, Buddhist, Hindi or Hebrew. You can be German, Chinese, African or American Indian to offer the love of Jesus. You can be gay or straight and offer the love of Jesus.

Does offering love require a background check? Does offering love demand credentials? Does offering love insist that you understand the recipient? Does it cost you money to love unconditionally? Maybe it does, as this being the holiday season. I am curious to know how many of our Christmas gift lists were based on deservedness as opposed to need of love. The bigger the present, the grander the love, yes? Our retailers and our stock market are counting on that kind of love.

But in the end, a bigger present does nothing for someone like Jonah Mowry who feels more at ease when he takes a blade to his skin then being around people whose self-loathing becomes abusing the weak like him.

And we fail when we are not there for the likes of Jonah to simply show him the love of Jesus, not the politics of religion. Can you not feel a small part of yourself die when you try to rationalize why you didn’t have time to love a little more? But we still have time, don’t we?

We do, until we are gathered at the funeral of one who’s cries fell on deaf ears and we find ourselves asking that other unanswerable question – WHY?

Warning! Reading this with your own brain may cause damage!

My sarcastic side finds delightful irony in the fact that I am writing a blog about the failure in communication today. Once upon a time, a letter written to a friend was revered as a keepsake to be cherished, even passed on to generations. In July, I sent off letters to various acquaintances. As of this moment, I have had no response. Maybe they’re still crossing over on the Mayflower.

Busy times, we live in. Yes, they are. I seem to hear more about my friends going-on’s through Facebook or Twitter than from their own lips. One friend recently asked, “Where have you been?” after I had taken a hiatus from social networking. Hmmm. Where have I been? I have been at the same address, phone number and email that I have been for years. I must have missed that voice mail or text message where you reached out to me.

The common excuse I get is speaking of how busy they have been. Really? We have a massive ad campaign going on about the consequences of texting while driving. What exactly were you “so busy” doing? You were texting somebody before the car crash!

I can’t hear anyone, anymore because the noise is deafening! I don’t call or text when I drive because I love to drive. It is my therapy. I usually get my best writing ideas while cruising down the highway. And my BMW 528i is a great therapist in which to deal with whatever I may be suffering.

By the way, there is no blog or therapy group that replaces the loneliness of suffering.  If friends, good wishes or even prayers were all that are needed to relieve suffering, safe to say someone would have marketed it for their own good at this point. Yes, I am sorry to say that my cynical side tends to seek out our arterial motives, especially in the guise of helping others. After all, the nuclear bomb was started with the best of intentions.

Suffering is the necessary bleeding our bodies do to keep the poisons from seeping into our veins. And no one can do blood-letting for you. But again, we appear too busy to reach out and speak directly to a friend about that which bothers us.

Of-uttered phrases like “I’ll keep you in my prayers” sometimes carry the same weight of “the check is in the mail.” We say such things so as not appear odious. It also seems to be a way we offer an “instant” prayer, the same way we shoot off a text message.

Social networking is now our microwavable portion of friendship. I see a wide variety of “instant” quotes that people post on their walls. Apparently, they only have enough time to borrow someone else’s words instead of creating their own. I can certainly attest that spellcheck has caused my writing skills to deteriorate. Why should I remember how to spell when the computer will do it for me? Of course, we all have seen humorous results of failure to look at the content of what we write. I pray better care goes into a love letter.

Real conversation has disappeared. I am now convinced that I can copy and paste and entire conversation from someone else’s quote page! Hmmm, I might just do that for my next blog! Why be original when I can ride on someone’s coattails?

But now we are so busy that I cannot express my own emotions? Like I need another voice inside my head? As Edmund Burke stated: “All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.” Well, we’re off to a great start. Someone pass me the remote control…..

Wisdom beyond your ears....

I'm a professional bachelor. Been practicing for over 25 years now. So I joke to my friends that I am quantified expert on matters such as child-rearing and how to maintain a happy marriage. You know the old maxim (no, not the magazine you goober! Looking at those girls probably got you in trouble with your wife in the first place!), the old saying "Those who can do. Those who can't, teach!"

So I have declared myself a veritable genius on kids and spouses. And I have come to discover that it is relatively easy to get some "hands on" proficiency by simply spending a day at a local shopping mall or Wal-Mart. After all, social gatherings will not provide you with the same "essance" a couple displays compared to watch their hunting and gathering techniques! Middle East peace negotiations are easier settled than potato chip selections! Imagine this conversation:

Man: "Honey, I want the Jay's potato chips."

Woman: "You can't have those. They're bad for you!"

Man: "What do you mean they're bad for me?"

Woman: "They raise your cholesterol. You could have a heart attack and die!"

Man: (Thinking to himself) "What makes you think I want to live longer???"

Of course, nothing says "I love you" than holding her purse in the lingerie section. And nothing says "weirdo" like getting caught trying on her slip!

Ah well, on to less important matters. I'm still recovering from my surgery, which requires me to wear a colostomy bag for the duration. True fact: The manufacturer of the bag is Hollister! I feel very hip! Now if I could just get a pair of shoes to match the bag.....

Speaking of being hip, I now feel very urban since I can imitate all the hip-hop moves done on the recent Wal-Mart commercials. So get outta my grill, ya'all!

Recovering from surgery has afforded me with lots of time to indulge in “57 channels and nothing on” ala Bruce Springsteen. I seldom watch tv. “Reality” shows seem nothing of the sort. They tend to sicken me with the self-indulgent behavior and “woe-is-me, I’m rich-n-stupid” whining. Living near Gary IN, the daily news is lavish with “real” stories of life’s shortfalls. Murders, fatal accidents, political corruption. Now I pay a cable company for the privilege! 

I find it difficult to understand why anyone would want “tune-out” by watching another’s misery. Or stupidity, for that matter. If I were to spend an hour watching the foibles of someone with a serious handicap for entertainment, I’d be a sick, sadistic jerk. So I find it sarcastically humorous that betterment in life can be achieved by simply watching the “Kardashians” or OCC, where Paul Sr & Jr duke it out. It would not take much thread for me to weave a connection between our tv habits and recent tragedies of school bullying.

Yea, yea, I know. It’s all a choice. I choose what to watch. I choose what I read. And I choose what I do about it. Still, I do wonder. I can isolate myself in my house, yet the outside air still seeps in. Maybe I should switch to the Hallmark channel?