Wisdom beyond your ears....

I'm a professional bachelor. Been practicing for over 25 years now. So I joke to my friends that I am quantified expert on matters such as child-rearing and how to maintain a happy marriage. You know the old maxim (no, not the magazine you goober! Looking at those girls probably got you in trouble with your wife in the first place!), the old saying "Those who can do. Those who can't, teach!"

So I have declared myself a veritable genius on kids and spouses. And I have come to discover that it is relatively easy to get some "hands on" proficiency by simply spending a day at a local shopping mall or Wal-Mart. After all, social gatherings will not provide you with the same "essance" a couple displays compared to watch their hunting and gathering techniques! Middle East peace negotiations are easier settled than potato chip selections! Imagine this conversation:

Man: "Honey, I want the Jay's potato chips."

Woman: "You can't have those. They're bad for you!"

Man: "What do you mean they're bad for me?"

Woman: "They raise your cholesterol. You could have a heart attack and die!"

Man: (Thinking to himself) "What makes you think I want to live longer???"

Of course, nothing says "I love you" than holding her purse in the lingerie section. And nothing says "weirdo" like getting caught trying on her slip!

Ah well, on to less important matters. I'm still recovering from my surgery, which requires me to wear a colostomy bag for the duration. True fact: The manufacturer of the bag is Hollister! I feel very hip! Now if I could just get a pair of shoes to match the bag.....

Speaking of being hip, I now feel very urban since I can imitate all the hip-hop moves done on the recent Wal-Mart commercials. So get outta my grill, ya'all!

Recovering from surgery has afforded me with lots of time to indulge in “57 channels and nothing on” ala Bruce Springsteen. I seldom watch tv. “Reality” shows seem nothing of the sort. They tend to sicken me with the self-indulgent behavior and “woe-is-me, I’m rich-n-stupid” whining. Living near Gary IN, the daily news is lavish with “real” stories of life’s shortfalls. Murders, fatal accidents, political corruption. Now I pay a cable company for the privilege! 

I find it difficult to understand why anyone would want “tune-out” by watching another’s misery. Or stupidity, for that matter. If I were to spend an hour watching the foibles of someone with a serious handicap for entertainment, I’d be a sick, sadistic jerk. So I find it sarcastically humorous that betterment in life can be achieved by simply watching the “Kardashians” or OCC, where Paul Sr & Jr duke it out. It would not take much thread for me to weave a connection between our tv habits and recent tragedies of school bullying.

Yea, yea, I know. It’s all a choice. I choose what to watch. I choose what I read. And I choose what I do about it. Still, I do wonder. I can isolate myself in my house, yet the outside air still seeps in. Maybe I should switch to the Hallmark channel?